I’m a big believer in not wishing to change the past. What I’ve been through has made me who I am today. I genuinely believe failure is, hands down, a better teacher than success if you let it be.
So, if given the opportunity, I wouldn’t go back to tell my younger self not to do x, y, or z, or to warn about an upcoming heartbreak.
But I would tell myself to hold loosely to expectations.
That’s what messes people up the most- more than the outcome, which usually isn’t as bad as we make it out to be. But when held up against our expectations, our reality can seem devastating, disappointing, or hopeless.
I am the picture of unmet expectations, and realizing I could never possibly know what’s best if I don’t keep an open mind.
For big picture items, I have met my expectations- I am married to a wonderful man with healthy, happy children. But I am in part-time ministry (for free) instead of the Licensed Independent Clinician I went to school to become certified as.
I left my hometown (which was something I desperately tried to avoid) two months after getting married. I then followed my husband wherever his job took us, committing to locations before I had even been there. And I now live in a location I quite literally said ‘never’ to.
18-year-old me would be pretty disappointed in my current situation.
But my reality far exceeds anything my younger self could have imagined. She didn’t know what she didn’t know- and that was a lot.
One of the most important things she never would have realized is that the journey to get to the current reality was like walking through a refining fire. It’s not something you’d choose to do, but on the other side is a much better version.
So, if you find yourself disappointed or discouraged about where you are in life, take time to honestly evaluate if it’s about the outcomes or your unmet expectations.
Our expectations cannot only hold us back. They can also stifle others’ growth or be a dark cloud over our relationships.
I have done my share of disappointing, as well as being disappointed, because expectations and the reality of a person didn’t match, and vice versa.
Ted Lasso is up there as one of my favorite shows of all time. It could be partly because my husband is a coach, so I know the sports industry world and lifestyle from a first-hand perspective.
But I think it’s more about the lessons the show tries to convey in a light-hearted and honest way. My favorite scene is when Ted talks about never understanding why other men always underestimated him.
He explains one of his life’s mottos in a quote that sums up how to stop holding on so tightly to your expectations, whether for your life or for another person.
“Be curious, not judgmental.”
It’s harder to be disappointed, upset, or resentful when you’re so curious. Curious to see how it’s going to turn out. Curious to see what different way things go. Curious to see who this person shows themself to be.
I am not telling you just to sit back and let life unfold around you. Take that next step, make that next move, or engage with that person.
But hold loosely to expectations. Be open to it going a different way than you thought. You don’t know what you don’t know, and that could be a lot.
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